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DISCLAIMER - this newsletter comes with no actual pharmaceutical drugs.
Would you trust your 15 year old self to make the right decision when it comes to planning out your entire life? Looking back, at 15 years old, I was just a kid.
A kid that made decisions that have dictated the majority of my adult life.
My decision at 15 to become a doctor set me on the rigorous and structured path of medical training. It wasn't long before my expectations of life were set.
I shall be a doctor and that is that.
But then came 2022. For the first time I started to struggle with my mental health. I came pretty close to burning out. An uncertainty crept in to my life. I started to ask big questions about my career, my future and my purpose.
I am privileged to practice medicine, I'm glad I do and I will continue to do so. But starting to question MY big picture was the best thing I've ever done.
Find comfort in discomfort
We can summarise the way that 90% of people see the world through a simple equation:
Certain Discomfort + Coping Mechanisms > Uncertain Discomfort
In other words, people will endure a level of discomfort in their life as long as they can adequately self-soothe.
I resonate with this. It has been my way of life until 2022.
We prefer this to taking the chance to live a different way of life that may only potentially bring discomfort.
A life that aligns with your vision of perfection. A life that requires no coping mechanisms to get by.
A life of purpose.
Joseph Campbell - We must let go of the life we have planned so as to accept the one we have waiting for us
I realised that 2022 was hard because I struggled to embrace uncertainty. The idea of change and lack of stability felt overwhelming at times.
But uncertainty is an inevitably of a fulfilling life. It is one of the few guarantees you get. A necessary evil of leaving your comfort zone in pursuit of your potential.
You must reframe uncertainty to become comfortable with being uncomfortable.
The Purpose Process
Purpose refers to the goals that give meaning and direction to your life. It's not always tangible, it can be tricky to find and often difficult to articulate. 'Purpose' is a loaded term - so let's break down what it really is:
Purpose is individual
Your purpose is exactly that. Yours.
It is something very personal to you. It should not matter what your friend wants to achieve or how your favourite influencer is planning to change the world.
Your purpose does not have to sound profound. It may be simple. What it must be, however, is personal to you.
- Looking after your family.
- Connecting deeply with your friends.
- Doing the best you can each day.
- Expressing your creativity regularly.
If these feel authentically you, pursue them.
Ignore the pressure of society. Look for something that is 100% a bit of you.
Purpose is a process
Purpose is a journey that can change, morph, wax or wane. At times it may feel overwhelmingly powerful and others it can fade into insignificance.
Change is good. It means you are open-minded. You are growing as you learn and question the world around you. Understanding more of yourself and adapting accordingly. Go with it.
I like to visualise this like a set of Russian dolls in reverse (bare with me).
Our early purpose may start small. 'Being the most popular kid at school' - our baby Russian doll - may feel incredibly important to us as a 12 year old. Over time, we begin to question the world, learn and change as a person. We discover Russian dolls that are bigger and more significant.
If we ask enough questions we uncover the matriarch doll and adopt a 'big-picture purpose', our 'North Star', the thing that makes us tick.
Purpose can be plural
It's normal to have more than one purpose. Purpose is individual to you and should act as a useful principle to help guide you to a better life. There are no hard and fast rules here.
Purpose comes through combining your internal values with your own unique individual experiences. Your values guide your sense of what is important and your experiences shape the way you see the world.
With this is mind we can appreciate that the factors that dictate your purpose are infinite. It's therefore not surprising that you may feel like you have two or three completely separate purposes.
Question your path
Humans are wired to search for meaning and purpose. Just look at any 5 year old who replies to each of your sentences with the question - ‘why?’
We don’t lose that. Life just attempts to knock it clean out of you.
Purpose isn't made a priority
Do you remember taking a module in school around how to follow your dreams? Or understand your values? Or seek out what's important to you?
I appreciate there are limitations in any system. I have huge respect for teachers who do their absolute best in an imperfect system. (If I didn't I would be in big trouble with my Mum who worked as a teacher for 30 years).
Our education system was set up to create workers. It was designed to help us fill jobs and create growth in our economy. It doesn't necessarily prioritise you as an individual finding your internal values to help guide you to your dream life.
I am not saying that schools should teach 'Purpose' classes once a week. I know I would have struggled to pin this down during my time there. What I do think is we should teach young people the tools they need to critically appraise their path. The skills to help them navigate their journey and see the wood from the trees. The skills that have taken me 10 years of adult life to cultivate.
The Pleasure Trap
Society has conditioned us to seek out meaning's sexier but more superficial sibling - pleasure. Pleasure is the positive emotions and sensations that we experience through our five senses.
In recent years, society has predisposed us to favour pleasure. Alan Goldhamer and Douglas J. Lisle describe this phenomenon in their book 'The Pleasure Trap':
The pleasure trap is a vicious cycle in which we seek pleasure to escape from negative emotions, only to have those same negative emotions return with a vengeance once the pleasure wears off
The pleasure trap refers to our coping mechanisms in the 'uncertainty equation' described earlier. We seek instant gratification, or cheap dopamine hits, at the expense of potential long-term fulfilment.
For example we:
· scroll social media.
· binge netflix
· numb ourselves with alcohol & substances
· excessively consume junk food
The forces that dictate much of society are clever. Modern day advertising and 'big business' hold enormous power. They have made much of their wealth through glorifying pleasure at the expense of meaning.
I'm not saying you need to become some sort of monk and abstain all forms of pleasure. On occasion I like to inhale a tub of Ben n Jerry's whilst I watch 5 episodes of Peep Show as much as the next person.
What you must do is bring awareness to the difference.
Life without pleasure would be undesirable but life without meaning would be merely an existence.
Don't let the world get in the way of you finding both.
Don't fall into the trap.
The 'Ought to' Voice
Life has a way of piling on responsibility. Extra duties at work, raising a family, bringing home the bacon.
These things matter. If this has article has resonated with you, I advise you to consider the consequences on your responsibilities.
Sometimes we get so preoccupied with our responsibilities that we actually neglect ourselves. The pressure of life causes us to use our ‘ought to voice’.
‘I want to explore a new career but I ought to stay in this job in case it doesn’t work out and I end up broke'
‘I would like to see the world but I ought to get this promotion first’
‘I want a divorce but I ought to stay for the children’
The thought of changing paths scares us. The pressure can get too much and the ‘ought to’ voice can be very convincing.
When making a big life decision I turn to Tim Ferris’ fear setting exercise:
It's a way of bringing perspective to your goals and helps you navigate any tough decisions.
The question that always hits me deepest - ‘what is the cost of inaction?’
Be true to yourself
The number 1 regret of people on their deathbed is:
I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This regret trumps the lot. More than working too hard, not letting yourself be happy or not staying in touch with friends.
Above all else people look back and wish they had lived a life that they wanted. A life that they chose. A life more in tune with their dreams.
Good health brings both a lack of perspective and urgency. We miss what really matters and our 'ought to' voice stops us from taking action.
We don't act because we have all the time in the world.
Until we don't.
First steps first
During 2022 I tried so many things to improve how I felt. In doing so I've designed 8 steps for a better life (I will write about steps 2 - 7 another time):
1. Realign
2. Reflect
3. Reframe
4. Reprogram
5. Reset
6. Recharge
7. Re-evaluate
8. Reconnect
Step 1 - Realigning.
Zooming out to see the big picture.
Grab a journal and give yourself an hour.
Write down:
1. What are my values?
Find out what really matters to you.
I would recommend using the 'Values Compass' exercise - here is a free template I made for you to use here.
My core values were purpose, connection, growth and consistency. Once I knew this I was able to assess if my day to day actions were honouring the values that mattered to me.
2. What am I truly passionate about?
If you struggle, think back to a younger self. What used to inspire you? If nothing comes up but you still feel unfulfilled, explore and consume.
There is a whole world of options out there which are a simple click of a button away.
Be open minded and try new things.
3. What do I really want out of life?
Write down your long term goals.
Where do you want to be in 1, 5 and 10 years?
Are your day to day actions leading you to get there?
Are my current actions meaningful to me?
4. What is the worst case scenario?
Work out what you don't want your life to look like long term.
Now work backwards.
What are the factors that would make this more likely?
How do you prioritise against these?
This should give you a clearer sense of what matters to you and if you are currently aligned with this.
The next steps are really up to you.
I'm not saying you need to quit your job tomorrow, change career and pursue a life as a professional free diver.
If you feel that freediving is your calling then what I would say is get active about free diving.
Spend time researching, plan activities around free diving and start to plan a path that may bring you closer to that life you desire.
'Finding your purpose' can feel so overwhelming that it stops you from even exploring.
But here's the ticket.
Purpose is a process.
It's never actually about reaching that goal.
It's about getting closer to the goal.
You don't ever achieve your purpose but you can take consistent action to get you closer to it.
It is the process that we truly crave. A process that is made up of many small and manageable actions.
And when you think of it like that, it gets a significant amount easier to make a change.
So what are you waiting for - take that first step.
Rounding off
Life has a tendency to get in the way.
It distracts and traps you with pleasure.
It clouds your perspective through the 'ought to' voice.
It scares you into inaction through the thought of discomfort.
You must see these obstacles for what they are - distractions.
Distractions that try to pull you away from being true to yourself.
From leading the life you want to live.
A life consistent with your values.
A life in pursuit of your purpose.
- Dr Mark Cox
Thank you so much for reading.
If you want to learn more about how to create a life of meaning, happiness and health then hit that subscribe button below.
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Here is the link again to my 'Values Compass' template:
COMING SOON:
- Template for my 8 steps to a better life
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