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(5 minute read)
Do you feel like you're constantly chasing after the next big thing?
The promotion? A new car? A different lover?
Having goals is motivating. They drive us towards success.
Fixating on their outcome, however, is a fool’s game.
‘Destination Addiction’ is the unfulfilling pursuit that may leave you wishing your life away.
What is ‘Destination Addiction?’
This is the father of ‘Destination Addiction' Robert Holden’s Ted Talk (100% worth a watch) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5p7qoedlPU
How to spot ‘Destination Addiction’
When asked how you are, you answer immediately by referring to the future: e.g. ‘I’m getting there’ or ‘Yeah, not bad, just working towards that promotion at work’ etc
Not stopping to celebrate your wins
Having a constant feeling of striving for the next thing
Preoccupation with getting through the day
‘Destination Addiction’ is exceedingly common. The chances are at some point you have fallen victim to its allure. And it’s no wonder why.
The stress of achieving our Western notion of ‘success’ is pervasive from an early age. We live in a society that rewards and promotes this mindset from day dot.
"What do you want to be when you grow up?" An innocent question, right? Perhaps. But a question with unintended consequences. The first domino in a chain that begins our longing for the next thing.
The questioning intensifies as you progress into your teens. Aunties, Uncles and distant relatives gather round at Christmas. Eager to impart their wisdom and advice for which path to travel down.
Education
Add in the traditional school system; the pressure from peers, teachers and the current exam system and you create a perfect storm.
Good grades = university = good job = happy life.
The hamster wheel rolls on and on without stopping to let you know that the equation above doesn’t always add up.
Social Media
The average age for someone downloading their first social media app is now 12. This signals the start of the glorified highlight reels and insights into the rich and famous.
Humans are innately drawn to comparison. As much as you may try, success and happiness get clubbed together once more by association.
Consumerism
We live in an age of hyper-consumerism. Our exposure to cunning modern-day advertising works to create this idea that ‘if we buy X I will feel Y’. The sad truth is that the shine of a new purchase soon wears off.
This warps your sense of what is required to find happiness and meaning. It leaves many people chasing hollow purchases in the pursuit of feeling something more.
Wishing your life away
You are enough exactly as you are.
The harsh truth is that you must find peace with yourself in the here and now.
If you place your happiness on factors both external to you and in the future, then no amount of money, TikTok followers or success will change that.
‘Destination Addiction’ means that we don’t take the opportunity to enjoy or celebrate our achievements. It’s a viscous cycle of striving for happiness. The kicker is that you don’t let yourself grasp it.
By waiting for a future event to make us happy, we give our brain an open-goal for anxious thoughts.
If your life is like a train journey, your success and happiness are not confined to the designated stops. The beauty is that you can find happiness and meaning in every single moment of the journey.
“But ‘Destination Addiction’ brings you success”
Who in your life comes to mind when you hear ‘Destination Addiction?’ A friend, a parent, yourself? Some would argue that it is a necessary or desired ingredient for success. Or that the most successful people in life are addicted to the next thing. But they would be wrong.
Firstly, there is no guarantee that reaching your next goal will bring you more happiness or contentment.
‘Hedonic Adaptation’, first described by Brickman and Campbell in 1971, is the ‘tendency of people to quickly return to a relatively stable level of happiness despite major positive or negative events or life changes’.
If you tie your wellbeing to the outcome of your goal, once you achieve that goal this adaptation will shift the target and with it, your wellbeing too.
Secondly, what is the point of all of this if you do not allow yourself to truly live your life?
By the very nature of ‘Destination Addiction’, your happiness is dependent on attaining a future goal. In other words, you forget to appreciate your life in the right here and now. Sure, you may gain the respect, love and admiration of others through your success.
But then you lack this from the only person who truly matters - YOU.
There are plenty of wildly successful people who still allow themselves to enjoy the fruits of their labour.
But let’s not be naive.
I’m not saying go find your tribe and live off the land.
Achieving things feels good. As humans we crave forward motion.
So how do we not let ourselves get caught up in wanting and wishing for what’s next?
You must make a subtle but profound mindset shift.
You must buy into the process of moving forward, not the result. You must learn to love the journey of achievement, not the outcome. You must adopt a mindset of abundance, not scarcity.
In doing so, you can find happiness, contentment and meaning in where you are right now and not over the distant horizon.
"Life is a preparation for the future; and the best preparation for the future is to live as if there were none." - Albert Einstein
Taking Steps To Break the Addiction.
‘Destination Addiction’ is either a result of poor goal-setting or of an inbuilt (and often unconscious) drive to chase the next ‘thing’.
This framework is designed to address both sides of the coin.
Develop Awareness
You can not break an addiction without first becoming aware of it.
Self-Reflect. Sit down and ask yourself these questions. Write your answers down:
Am I truly happy on a daily basis?
Is my ‘now’ a stepping stone to a better ‘now’?
Do I feel restless or dissatisfied when I am not pursuing a specific goal?
Do I regularly think about future goals at the expense of enjoying the here and now?
Have I reached a major life goal and found that it didn’t bring me the happiness or fulfilment I had hoped for?
Do I measure my self-worth on external achievements of possessions?
Do I prioritise work or achieving goals over spending time with loved ones or engaging in my true passions?
Set Intentional Goals
Most people focus on ‘means’ or ‘outcome’ goals. In other words, goals that focus on external achievements.
‘End’ goals focus on bringing you fulfilment and act as guiding lights towards personal growth and purpose.
1. Define your values.
This will underpin your goal setting.
Use an exercise like the ‘values compass’. I made a template here:
2. Set ‘big-picture’ goals.
Identify areas for personal growth, rather than external achievements
Think of the type of person you want to become, rather than the specific action you want to achieve
e.g. 'I want to become a more confident and caring person' vs 'I want to achieve a promotion at work'
3. Break them down into actionable steps.
You can use the SMART framework to guide this
The key with ‘big-picture’ goals is to plan your route to getting there
4. Focus on the process, not the outcome.
Personal growth is a journey; the end-goal will not make you happy
You can only experience happiness in the present moment
Do not wait to get there
5. Be flexible and adaptable.
Recognise that unexpected challenges will arise
Adjust your goals and action plan as needed
‘I want to focus on the process - but how?’
Step 4 is the most difficult but also most important. Once we unlearn the bad habit of focusing on the future, we must practice being present.
‘We all have to return to now if we want to live a life that we truly love’ - Robert Holden (again)
Practice mindfulness
The more you practice the better you become at coming back to the present moment.
Block time in your schedule to sit and be still. (I find spending 10 minutes in the morning before I start my day the best time) - but do what works best for you.
Identify tasks that you can be present in doing on a daily basis
e.g. brushing your teeth, doing the dishes, walking the dog, writing in your journal, crafting your newsletter).
Remove distractions - e.g. hide your phone. Out of sight, out of mind.
Gratitude
Celebrate your wins - build a system to track your progress and genuinely praise yourself.
Treat yourself like you would treat your best friend (this makes the process far more enjoyable).
Celebrate your mundane - practice gratitude for what you already have and who you already are. Simply write down 3 things you are grateful for each day.
To Round Off
'Destination Addiction’ is the erroneous belief that happiness lies at the next stop in our life.
It stems from a combination of societal pressure, education, social media and consumerism.
It is likely you suffer from some extent with it.
To break its hold, you must realise that happiness and fulfillment will only ever be found in the here and now.
In order to achieve this, you must make subtle but profound mindset shift.
You can do this through:
Developing Awareness
Setting goals with intention
Focusing on the process
If you enjoyed this newsletter, please share it with someone you know. You can subscribe at www.thestraighttalkindr.co.uk or here https://magic.beehiiv.com/v1/10f50012-04cd-4c12-a711-45302e7d7060?email= for more deep dives into living a happy, purposeful and productive life.
- Mark Cox
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